Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sunday morning resolution

Regarding talking off/taking flight

1. Neither Frost or myself, can get through this next move alone
1a. This is a big step for both of us, in the next chapter in our lives.

2. We can either do it together, alone or by ourselves.
2b. It's best when we work together, as their is no team in I

3. We both have our own set of resources to call upon on when we need too.
3b. Clearly we both like being in the lead and supportive roles.

4. For both our sanity for the week ahead we need to be apart.
4b. But know that the other is near, and just a phone call away.

5. Technology has come along way since our parents and grandparents moved from house to house.
5b. With all the technology available to us in 2009, why not use it.

6. Frost seems to have a cast of characters in play.
6b. But to play nice he needs to send one over my way, as I just called red light.

7. Red light will be back on until Frost sends me a green light message,
7b. This green light message must not find it's way into my inbox until 9am on monday morning.

8. We are having a proper pre production meeting on Sunday the 25th of October at 6pm to go over the particulars of the week days ahead.
8b. You will get a message by 4pm today to find out where we are meeting.
8c. Should you not acknowlege this message by within twelves hours of this message being sent to you. I will null and void this transaction.

9. Should Frost meet me at my preferred meeting spot today at 6pm, to sign this contract he can then of course
9a. But we need to know
9b. We both my require your help at any time this week.
9c. If we don't call you to ask for help, please call us.
9d. Being on stand by is never a bad thing.

This was written at 12:59 am on the morning of October 25th, 2009. Later that day I was admitted to clark-the emergency ward of camh (centre of addiction and mental health) I was diagnosed with having had a manic episode. I was given enough meds at the time to knock me out and make me sleep for the first few days of my stay.

Unfortunately when I was able to get out of my drug induced haze, I wasn't allowed to leave maui-the mood and anxiety program-inpatient program. I had not played by their rules. I had bitten one of my nighttime pills in half and hide it in my bra. I was having heart palpitations and then passing out from the amount of drugs they had me on at night. I didn't know what was happening, so did the only thing i knew to do. This resulted in me missing the first halloween in our new house. I was over the fact that I had missed the move, but when the realization hit me that I was going to miss our first halloween at the new house I ranted and raged like a lunatic. No one who came to see me was good enough, everyone was against me and I needed to get out. Well that how I saw it anyways. I waited and waited for anyone to come get me that first weekend, but nobody came. And then when they did come finally after the weekend was over I ranted and raged at the entire lot who'd come to visit.

It wasn't until the monday morning of the start of the second week that i learned if i was to get out, i would have to ship up and play by the rules of maui. So i went to group sessions, I talked with other patients. I was the newbie on the floor, the first time patient, and I was going to find out everything i could to get myself out. Of course it helped a lot that I had been doing this since day one. I'd notice a new person on the floor and ask them who they were and wanted to see their badge. I even offered to take new photos if they didn't like their, that how much i was in a manic state that first week. Still trying to be the hero.

I was always the happy one, never the sad one. That is my role and I have played it well my entire life. I stayed at maui for 3 1/2 weeks. The last half week I was there, I did my own thing and stayed away from any new patient that came onto the ward. I had played my part, it was time to exit the stage. Don't get me wrong, this illness is far from over. I will be on meds for the next 12-18 months. My inner hope is that it will be less but only time will tell.

I have a new social worker and physiatrist now and will be going back 2-3 times a week to the outpatient early intervention centre unit. I decided last monday that I was ready to come home, to the house here on Mountalan. I could have gone into another program on site at camh, but decided that I have a huge support system here in the community in which I live that i didn't need to, nor want to, continue on with the inpatient program. I do know however that it's always there in the background should i need it.

I am a bit hesitant to post this entry as excessive writing is what got me into this pickle to begin with, but I have come to learn that I have always used the written word to get me through the rough times. It's been my mental escape since i was a teen. In my closet here in this new room, my own office/craft room from which i write, is a box full of journals from the time i entered high school until now. The only difference is that when I started this blog a few years back my writing stopped. It came back when Frost went away for 10 days to LA. The unfortunate part is that it was a flood of thoughts and insight into the world around me that came with it because i wasn't taking care of myself. I was depriving myself of sleep as I was helping out friends for the Creativ Festival. I was taking care of everyone else, except for the one person that mattered most-ME.

I acknowledge the fact that I don't ask for help most of the time. I am the sort of person who does what needs to be done no matter how long it takes or how much energy i give. I have done that since I was a child. What have i learned most these last four weeks, is that everyone needs help. I am just starting to learn how to ask for it. I am thankful for marrying Frost last year. This wednesday will be our 6th year anniversary of meeting on the set of a commercial. He has come so far so fast in his field. From a jaded production assistant to a very highly respected and sought after video playback/data management guy.

I am thankful for the support system we have surrounded ourselves with. Friends and family members know who they are but it's also those of you who read this blog that are supportive as well. I have no idea how many people read this blog, but it doesn't matter. Telling you what has happened, is what needs to be done. The real reason why I haven't posted in so long. You don't have to know all the sorted affairs and details but if you want to hear them I will gladly tell you over a pot of tea. I am just getting back into the swing of things here. My old physiatrist, asked Frost if I was back to normal, to my old self. Frost of course said yes, and that was what got me discharged, but the fact of the matter is, is that I will never go back to that normal. There is a new normal about. The entire four weeks changed me, and it changed me for the better. Would I wish these last four weeks on anybody. Nope, not for a moment, but if should happen again we know what signs to look out for now and I would be the first to ask you to take me back to camh.


Sherri said...

I am so happy you are feeling better. Does this mean if I come visit you at CAMH next wek you aren't there?

You can count on me to be in your corner and have your back. Anytime - just a text message/phone call/tweet away.

Carla said...

Thank you for sharing. It was quite a trip! We were all worried about you, but look at you now ... so much better! I'm sorry you missed Halloween.

I had to switch to a "new normal" after my heart surgery too, I was really cranky about it for a long time but eventually it fit, I know you'll get used to your changes, too!

Michelle said...

Lots of love and hugs! And ears to listen if you ever need it.